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A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

I am not young enough to know everything.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

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Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

How to get a six pack . Would you like to know how to get a six pack fast!

To be a adroit benign being is to be enduring a philanthropic of openness to the world, an cleverness to trust undeterminable things beyond your own pilot, that can take you to be shattered in very exceptional circumstances as which you were not to blame. That says something very weighty relating to the prerequisite of the honest compulsion: that it is based on a corporation in the uncertain and on a willingness to be exposed; it's based on being more like a spy than like a treasure, something kind of tenuous, but whose extremely precise attraction is inseparable from that fragility.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

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If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

If you are going through hell, keep going.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Xanax ought to in no way be shared with an added man or women, specifically any person who has a history of medication abuse or addiction.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

Thanks For This Blog, was added to my bookmarks.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

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Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

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I find myself coming to your blog more and more often to the point where my visits are almost daily now!

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

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Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

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The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

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There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

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The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

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They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

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I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

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Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

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Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

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Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

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We'll get in close.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

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It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

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Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

I have had such a hard time with Chase getting a home loan... They are the worst to work with!

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

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The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

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A cool blog post right there mate ! Thank you for it .

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Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

This website has got lots of very helpful stuff on it. Cheers for helping me.

internet. Such a first-rate web site... I will certainly be back in the very near future!!

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

Thank You For This Post, was added to my bookmarks.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

This was a seriously excellent post. In theory I'd like to write like this also - getting time and real effort to makepeeing movies a great article... but what can I say... I procrastinate alot and in no way seem to get some thing completed.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

I'm so glad I stumbled on your web page, thanks for all of the very good info.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

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Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

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It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

It`s great reading an article about this, been researching for an college paper I`m doing. Will bookmark this web site, looks like there are lots of posts that will help me.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

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We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

All I can think about is smokes. I really don't plan to light up and if perhaps somebody offered me a smoke right now, I would have to decline. I feel I'm in a fairly depressing mental condition and have had trouble attempting to sleep yet I'm sure I should always be resilient. The electric cigarettes may also be helpful in the long run.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

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When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

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My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

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Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Primarily, drinking this tea instead of soda keeps those cola calories off your hips, the liquid fills you up so you don't eat as much, and you'll also be staying hydrated, which keeps your metabolism working. This calculates to about 64 grams of protein intake a day for a 175 pound person.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

I smoked for decades and giving up ended up being extremely difficult. I tried out the many stopping methods still none did the trick. Then I found the electric cigarette. The e cig utilizes a nicotine substance which is made up of only nicotine. Absolutely no smelly smoke at all. They've already actually made all the difference.

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Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

I don't comprehend it.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

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Here's your sign and also let's look at that clear eyed.

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USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

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There is obviously a lot to know about this. I think you made some good points in the Feature also.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

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Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

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To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

So the wait is over Halo Reach was finally released last month and Halo veterans have already got pretty efficient at playing the game but what if youre new to this Halo thingWeve been hearing how the Forge mode in Halo Reach.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

Does it give any better than this!?! As a full-time writer myself is always good to read such a well written and well thought out content.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

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The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

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You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

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A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

I stopped smoking over the weekend and it really is starting to make me feel crappy right now. My sweetheart tells me I can't handle it but I am so confident about this I can. Today I began feeling pains inside my tummy and I really want to have a puff. I will not give in mainly because I am doing this for my young children. I'm blessed to have the ecig. It is often very useful in my opinion.

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The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

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The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

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Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

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Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

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Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

I think that is an interesting point, it made me think a bit. Thanks for sparking my thinking cap. Sometimes I get so much in a rut that I just feel like a record.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

I came across your blog after i did a search for wholesale bulk t-shirts at Reddit. Thanks a ton for taking time to create this site and letting me post my opinion.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

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I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Dios mío, pensé que ibas a chip con algunos insght decisivo al final allí, no deje de "lo dejamos a usted a decidir".

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

I am always thought about this, appreciate it for putting up.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.